I didn’t like sex. I only had sex because I felt it was expected.
Each time we had sex my husband felt disconnected and discontent. I usually felt relieved that it was over. I mean, we sort of had a good time, but I always thought “that’s good, that’s done for a little while”. Which, when you think about it, was awful. For both of us.
Does that sound familiar?
I’m guessing you might be in the same boat. I bet you’ve probably tried talking to your person about it, your friends too perhaps, but these conversations are difficult and often don’t lead to any change.
So here’s the skinny. The reason you’re in a dead bedroom, is you.
It may be hard to hear, but I’m going to be honest with you here, and tell you that you’re the only one that can change the situation. You can’t blame your partner for this situation. Sure, they have a part to play, but to change things, you need to work on you first. You need to make you happy first. At least, that’s been my experience.
Please bear in mind though, there isn’t a quick fix to your dead bedroom situation. I want you to realise that you are going to need to be prepared to be patient before anything changes.
I also want you to know that sometimes, with the best will in the world, you can’t fix this.
Over time, the people we are with change. I’m certainly not the person I was when I got married 20 years ago. Chances are, its the same for your partner too. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it is something to consider in all of this.
The thing is, you can grow apart, or you can grow together. I think from my experiences of talking to people in dead bedroom situations, most relationships grow apart, and people stop trying, and I get that. But, if you want to change things, you’ve got to find a way to start trying again, and that’s going to take some energy. It’s difficult to know where to start. So, I recommend starting with you, and making you happy first. Then, you can think about making the relationship happy.
Side note – if things are truly terrible for you, and your relationship is harming you, you should consider what you can do to get out of what you’re in.
Don’t spend your life in the shadow of someone else who is emotionally or physically hurting you. Please, don’t be a victim any more. Take control back and change the direction of your life. I do realise this isn’t an easy ask. But I do know it is possible to change your situation. I’ve been the abused person. I know how hard it is to break free from that. But you can do it. I promise.
Why didn’t I like sex?
There were many reasons I didn’t like sex and intimacy.
I didn’t realise it, but I had developed an unhealthy relationship with sex, intimacy and control. So that was mine to own. That wasn’t my husbands fault.
Aside from that, I didn’t feel seen by my partner, and I felt a lone a lot of the time, even though we spent time together.
There was emotional trauma that I hadn’t shared with my husband, and honesty, that was the biggest factor in our dead bedroom scenario, but also in the mix was my sexual naivety. My childhood was very safe and restricted, and I never did anything risky. I preferred to walk the line, instead of dance around the line, naked, with flowers in my hair.
I was prim, and proper and oh so sensible, most of the time. But occasionally, there was a naughty part of me that escaped. So I knew, I had a naughty kinky side, and I had potential to change.
Maybe you know that you like sex already. Maybe you know that your relationship with sex has always been healthy. But maybe, your partners hasn’t.
How can I change things?
The five steps outlined below are based on what has worked for me and my relationship. Please consider that these steps may not work for you and you need a different approach. I’m not an expert and can only tell you about my experiences.
What worked for me? Five steps to start you off…
Step 1
I would recommend, that at least one evening a week, you put your phones away, and you go outside and sit around the fire pit (or where ever you choose) with a glass of something nice.
All you have to do in this scenario is talk.
It can help if you are sitting in the same space, like on a shared sofa or chair.
For this to work for you both, ideally you need to have space where its just the two of you, and you have time in your schedule to focus on each other.
Step 2
Keep the conversation light. The conversation can be about anything, but it shouldn’t be sexual at all. It should be about prioritising your partner in the conversation. Talk about anything that comes up, but keep it light, and keep it fun. Keep that chat going for as long as you both feel comfortable.
Step 3
I would recommend that you Take sex off the table in complete totality right now.
The reason for this is that sometimes, to fix your dead bedroom, you need to stop thinking about how much sex you’re not having, and let that go. Park that sexual frustration for a while if you can. This process is more about you and healing as a couple, not jumping each others bones.
Please don’t pester your partner for sex right now. Don’t make sex the centre of every conversation. Just sit by the fire side and talk to each other. Keep the conversation fun and light, and enjoy being in the same space.
Step 4
Ideally, make room in your schedule to do this just once a week, maybe more if you can. But once a week will give you time in-between to think about the things that you have discussed, and process that out.
Eventually, if you can keep things fun and light, the intimacy will grow, and you will hopefully feel a change in how you are both communicating. Hopefully you will feel like you are connecting more in a non sexual way, and that you are talking more, and that you have created a safe space where you can prioritise each other.
Step 5
Please be prepared for this process to take as long as it takes. It may take a year, it may take a few weeks, but however long it takes, is important to be relaxed about putting in time for this, and gradually building that intimacy back up in a non physical way. It’s also really important right now to make sure you don’t let any other life thing get in the way of your weekly chats.
I get it, you’re frustrated
I know you’re frustrated with the lack of sex and intimacy in your relationship. But please try and not rush this process. There is aways a tendency in these situations to want to fix things quickly. You want to feel wanted, and you want to feel better.
But you can’t rush this. If you let your frustration show in this process and you verbally explode to your partner about the lack of sex or intimacy, it’s going to feel like an ambush and it’s likely your partner will back away and feel completed disconnected. If you get angry in your fire side chats, the safe place you have created for that connectivity and intimate dialogue, has gone in a poof of fireside smoke.
Do something just for you.
I highly recommend taking a look at your life at this point, and start thinking about doing some things for you, that make you feel good.
It could be that you take out a meditation subscription to a popular app, or maybe you go out to a sports facility once a week with your friends, or join a running club or hiking group. Maybe, you need to shut the bedroom door and have some you time, and tell your family that you’re having 30 minutes to yourself once a week.
You also need to encourage your partner to do the same. In your fireside chats, try and find out what they enjoy, and what makes them feel relaxed and good about themselves, and tell them about what makes you feel good too.
It may be, that they just want a couple of hours a couple of times a week, where they go to bed and have a solo orgasm, or read a book, or have a bath, without you. But whatever it is, it’s important that that time is theirs and it’s protected as their time, and you have to be ok with making changes in your schedules to make that happen, without judgement or frustration. You have to be ok with giving them some space to do their thing.
When they have had their first solo time, meet up again in the safe space you have created, and talk about it together. Talk about how it felt and if they felt good, or indifferent, or want more or less of it. Remember, don’t make it about sex, and be supportive of what ever they want to talk about.
Eventually, my hope is, that if you start talking to each other in this way, you can progress the conversation on to other more intimate subjects. It’s my hope, that the space you have created with each other in these fire side chats has become the safe protected space that you needed to talk about anything that becomes important in your relationship.
Covid gave us that time…
My version of fire side chats started around the first covid lock down.
When the first lock down happened, for us, our social life stopped. In fact, everything stopped. School stopped, meetings stopped, going out for dinner stopped.
For for the first time in a very long time, we had time at home. So we started talking. I get that this wasn’t the same for everyone. For some, it meant they were forced into being at home more and that wasn’t a positive experience for them.
We didn’t talk about sex much to start with, but we did talk about the past, and our past relationships. We also talked about how my naked boob picture posting was going on the social media platform (that’s a whole other story).
Those fire side chats were eventually freeing and helpful, and there were tears and frustrations and smiles and all sorts of things throughout it all. I don’t know what your experiences of talking to each other will feel like. But hopefully, the results will be positive, and can help you start to un pack some of the reasons you are in this dead bedroom situation.