The reason you’re in a dead bedroom, is You.

I didn’t like sex. But I do now 🙂

I only had sex because I felt it was expected. I was having “duty sex”. Chances are, so are you, or you’re not having any at all.

Each time we had sex my husband felt disconnected and discontent. However, he was so sex starved that he would take whatever intimacy he could get. I mean, we sort of had a good time, but I was always pleased when it was over. I always thought “that’s good, that’s done for a little while”. Which, when you think about it, was awful. For both of us.

Does that sound familiar?

I’m guessing there’s elements of my above statement that apply to you and your experiences with your significant person. It’s probably been going on for some time and you feel like it’s never going to be any different. You’ve probably tried talking to your person about it, your friends too perhaps, but these conversations are difficult and strained and often don’t lead to any change.

So here’s the skinny. The reason you’re in a dead bedroom, is you.

You’re the one that’s put yourself here, and you’re the only one that can change it. You can’t blame your partner for this entirely. Sure, they have a part to play, but to change things, you need to work on you first. You need to make you happy first.

However, I want you to know that there isn’t a quick fix to your dead bedroom situation. I want you to realise that you are going to need to be prepared to be patient. You are going to need to put in a lot of hard work and self reflection if you want things to improve.

I also want you to know that sometimes, with the best will in the world, you can’t fix this. Sometimes, things are not reparable, as much as you want them to be.

The people we marry can change. We can also change too. If you think back to the person you were when you got married, I bet it’s not remotely similar to who you are now and what you think like now. Chances are, its the same for your partner too. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it is something to consider in all of this. Life events change us, and over time, we can become different to the people we were when we got married.

The thing is here, you can grow apart, or you can grow together. I think that from my experiences of talking to people in dead bedroom situations, most relationships grow apart, and people stop trying, and I get that. But, if you want to change things, you’ve got to find a way to start trying again, and that’s going to take some energy. It’s difficult to know where to start. So, I recommend starting with you, and making you happy first. Then, you can think about making the relationship happy.

Side note – if things are truly terrible for you, and your relationship is harming you, you should consider what you can do to get out of what you’re in.

Don’t spend your life in the shadow of someone else who is emotionally or physically hurting you. Please, don’t be a victim any more. Take control back and change the direction of your life. I do realise this isn’t an easy ask. But I do know it is possible to change your situation. I’ve been the abused person. I know how hard it is to break free from that. But you can do it. I promise.

Why didn’t I like sex?

I didn’t like sex for just one reason. There were many reasons I didn’t like sex and intimacy.

I didn’t realise it, but based on some deep rooted emotional and physical trauma, I had developed an unhealthy relationship with sex, intimacy and control. So that was mine to own. That wasn’t my husbands fault. That element, was all about me, and only I could fix parts of that.

Also, I didn’t feel seen by my partner, and I felt a lone a lot of the time, even though we spent time together. This was a joint relationship issue, and something to work on together.

The emotional trauma was the biggest factor in our dead bedroom scenario, but also in the mix was my sexual naivety. My childhood was very safe and restricted, and I never did anything risky. This was due to my parents out look on the world. They were not risk takers, and they did everything in their power to avoid stepping off the safe route. Whilst this isn’t a terrible outlook, it certainly made me very cautious in my life, and I preferred to walk the line, instead of dance around the line, naked, with flowers in my hair.

I was prim, and proper and oh so sensible, most of the time. But occasionally, there was a naughty part of me that escaped. So I knew, there was a part of me that existed someplace, where I could be someone else, and I had potential to change.

I think I did like sex, but I had to figure out why it felt stressful and awkward for me.

Maybe you know that you like sex already. Maybe you know that your relationship with sex has always been healthy. But maybe, your partner hasn’t.

Going back to the statistic I mentioned in my cornerstone article, that 1 in 6 women have experienced some form sexual abuse, there’s a chance that your partner has had some experience that has affected them in some way.

It may not be full on trauma, but it may be something that causes them some confidence issues, or sexual hesitancy about trying something new.

How can I change things?

The five steps outlined below are based on what has worked for me and my relationship. Please consider that these steps may not work for you and you need a different approach. I’m not an expert and can only tell you about my experience of fixing my dead bedroom.

Also, before you get started with anything, I think it’s important that you read all of the articles in this series. Then, you can decide if this is something that may be beneficial to you and your situation.

Five steps to start you off…

Step 1

I would recommend, that at least one evening a week, you put your phones away, you switch off the TV, and you go outside and sit around the fire pit with a glass of something nice. All you have to do in this scenario is talk. You will need to sit near to each other. Ideally, you need to do this once the kids have gone to bed, or are out of the house, and you have time in your schedule.

Step 2

Keep the conversation light. The conversation can be about anything, and it shouldn’t be sexual at all. It can be about just prioritising your partner in the conversation, or asking them how they are today. Talk about anything that comes up, but keep it light, and keep it fun. Keep that chat going for as long as you both feel comfortable.

Step 3

Don’t mention sex, at least for a little while. Take sex off the table in complete totality in your relationship right now.

The reason for this is that sometimes, to fix your dead bedroom, you need to stop thinking about how much sex you’re not having, and let that go. Park that sexual frustration for a while if you can. This process is more about you and healing you and your relationship.

Please don’t pester your partner for sex right now. Don’t make sex the centre of every conversation. Just sit by the fire side and talk to each other. Keep the conversation fun and light, and enjoy being in the same space.

Step 4

Ideally, make room in your schedule to do this just once a week, maybe more if you can. But once a week will give you time in-between to think about the things that you have discussed, and process that out.

Eventually, if you can keep things fun and light, the intimacy will grow, and you will hopefully feel a change in how you are both communicating. Hopefully you will feel like you are connecting more in a non sexual way, and that you are talking more, and that you have created a safe space where you can prioritise each other.

Step 5

Please be prepared for this process to take as long as it takes. It may take a year, it may take just two weeks, but however long it takes, is important to be relaxed about putting in time for this. This is the long haul, and you’re just starting out. Is also really important right now to make sure you don’t let any other life thing get in the way of your weekly chats.

I get it, you’re frustrated

I know you’re frustrated with the lack of sex and intimacy in your relationship. But please try and not rush this process. There is aways a tendency in these situations to want to fix things quickly, and improve your situation. You want to feel wanted, and you want to feel better, and you want that to be the case as quickly as possible.

But you can’t rush this. In the moment that you let your frustration show in this process and you verbally explode to your partner about the lack of sex or intimacy, it’s going to put you right back to where you were. If you get angry in your fire side chats, because you feel frustrated, the safe place you have created for that intimate dialogue, has gone, and you have to start over.

You have to find a way to deal with your frustrations a different way, and not focus your feelings on your partner.

Do something just for you.

I highly recommend taking a look at your life at this point, and start thinking about doing some things that make you feel good.

It could be that you take out a meditation subscription to a popular app, or maybe you go out to a sports facility once a week with your friends. Maybe, you need to shut the bedroom door and have some you time. What ever you decide you need, you have to make sure you do it, and do it reasonably consistently.

You also need to encourage your partner to do the same. In your fireside chats, try and find out what they enjoy, and what makes them feel relaxed and good about themselves, and tell them about what makes you feel good too.

It may be, that they just want a couple of hours a couple of times a week, where they go to bed and have a solo orgasm, or read a book, or have a bath, without you. But whatever it is, it’s important that that time is theirs and it’s protected as their time, and you have to be ok with making changes in your schedules to make that happen, without judgement or frustration. You have to be ok with giving them some space to do their thing.

When they have had their first solo time, meet up again in the safe space you have created, and talk about it together. Talk about how it felt and if they felt good, or indifferent, or want more or less of it. Remember, don’t make it about sex, and be supportive of what ever they want to talk about.

Eventually, my hope is, that if you start talking and do this enough, you can progress the conversation on to other more intimate subjects. It’s my hope, that the space you have created with each other in these fire side chats has become the safe protected space that you needed to talk about anything that becomes important in your relationship.

Covid gave us that time…

My version of fire side chats started around the first covid lock down.

When the first lock down happened, for us, our social life stopped. In fact, everything stopped. School stopped, meetings stopped, going out for dinner stopped.

For for the first time in a very long time, we had time at home. So we started talking. Now, this wasn’t the same for everyone. For some, it meant they were forced into being at home more and that wasn’t a positive experience for them. But for our relationship, it worked.

We didn’t talk about sex much to start with, but we did talk about the past, and our past relationships. We also talked about how my naked boob picture posting was going on the social media platform.

We certainly felt like there was a lot to talk about all of a sudden. It was like the verbal flood gates had opened and we just couldn’t stop. For us, it was healing and it was helping us make sense of so many things.

Those fire side chats were eventually freeing and helpful, and there were tears and frustrations and smiles and all sorts of things throughout it all. I don’t know what your experiences of talking to each other will feel like. But hopefully, the results will be positive, and can help you start to un pack some of the reasons you are in this dead bedroom situation.