For a very long time I didn’t like my body. Some days, I still don’t.
But I feel like I’ve made progress in the last five years, and I feel like have a far better relationship with myself, and my self image.
Chances are, your significant other doesn’t like their body either. They may be naturally shy, or have some trauma they haven’t dealt with, or something else. Either way, their dislike of themselves may be part of the reason why you’re in sexual solitude. Body confidence was certainly a factor in my dead bedroom.
I’m not sure if anyone can truly say that they like their appearance 100% in totality, but most people like something about themselves. However, I can honestly say, I didn’t like anything I saw in the mirror.
But that’s all changed now 🙂
I’d like to share with you how I’ve changed the view of myself and my appearance, and in all honesty, I think you’re going to be so surprised how I did it. I still marvel at it myself and how it all came about.
I think this is a good story to tell 🙂 And if your anything like the people in my life these days, you’ll love a good story.
I’ll start by telling you about my first proper boyfriend
He was a narcissistic sadist.
He royally fucked me up for a long time. He was mean to me about my appearance. He told me that I was fat, and that I was lucky that he would tolerate me. He also regularly told me that I was not the sort of girl that people found sexy.
He frequently told me that I was average, and I should be grateful that he found me “passable” in the looks department.
So how do you think I felt about myself?
My body confidence was at rock bottom. It hit the lowest of the low around the age of 16-17, which is such a formative age for those things.
I felt very self conscious all of the time because of how I was treated, and if you looked in my wardrobe, you’d find baggy jumpers(sweaters) and oversized clothes which I would even wear in summer to cover myself up.
I would wear bra’s that would aim to minimise the size of my boobs, rather than push them up and out. I felt very unattractive and unhappy.
Like most teenagers, going through sexually formative years was pretty confusing, but the abusive boyfriend really did a number on me in so many ways.
Looking back, I can see it now, but at the time I didn’t know that I was hiding. I was hiding his treatment of me, hiding my body and living a sad and isolated existence. He slowly worked his way around my friend group, turning each one against me, so that I’d be more dependent on him. He was toxic, abusive and he damaged me mentally and physically.
My research into abusive partners tells me that sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted partner is fairly common. in fact, 1 in 6 have experienced some form of sexual abuse. This type of abuse often leads to problems later in life, post traumatic stress and anxiety responses to sexual situations and stimulus. In my case, my trauma was centred around my appearance and fear of sexual contact.
My perception of my appearance was very warped.
The general lack of self confidence about my appearance went on for decades after the abusive relationship ended.
And just so you’re reassured here, I did get free from this man, and I’ll tell you all about it in another post and explain how I got out. It’s another good story, and one that I’m very proud of 🙂
But for now, without getting into the minutia of it all, I can tell you that eventually, even though this man made me miserable in so many ways for so long, I did find a way to get some of my confidence back and move in a new direction.
Me now, aged 40 something… shhhhhh
For context and to ground you to the present day, I am happy to share, that I am still married, still a mother, and working hard to pay the bills and keep the balance. I have moved on from the teenage sexual trauma, and I am now a much different person, thanks to all of the people I have met and talked to on this journey. I’d like to share with you the story of how I went from teenage trauma brain, to middle aged sexy brain and all the fun I’ve had along the way 🙂
Thanks Covid…
Surprisingly and rather oddly, I found my confidence at the start of the Covid pandemic. It all started when I read an article on the BBC news, that would transform my outlook on so many things, including my self self perception.
The article was reporting on a website that was becoming a huge hit, almost over night; it’s success driven by the covid lock downs and its unique ability to sell sex on line. Thats right, selling sex, on a rainy Tuesday in suburban London became interesting to me for some random reason. I still don’t fully understand what happened that day.
The website was a platform for people to sell naughty images and sexy videos of themselves. People were selling a range of services that you could purchase.
The services available on this platform ranged from people selling dirty soiled panties, videos of feet, butt holes galore, and there were boobs… lots and lots of boobs, tiny boobs, huge boobs, swinging boobs… it was like a porn sweet shop for a sex starved dead bedroom aficionado.
You probably know the site I’m referring to, but I can’t mention it here.
As I looked into this platform more and more, I realised that people were really monetising this. I mean, triple figure monetising. On reflection I honestly felt astounded that your average suburban mum who was locked in their house due to a pandemic, with the family and kids at home, had found a way of making huge bank roll by showing off pictures of their fanny.
I mean, it was amazing, and all credit where credits due to those folks that found a way to make that work. They were making money at a time when jobs were being cut and peoples lives were being turned upside-down. You can’t knock that, its resourceful and kinda clever.
I’ve always liked money
I’ve always been entrepreneurial, and my mind was ticking over about how selling sex on line could work. I’ve run a couple of business and have a lot of experience with that, so of course, I was thinking “how could I tap into this?” Could I do that? Would anyone actually even look twice at me? Could I make some serious money from showing off my boobs?
I shared the article with my husband and asked him what he thought about me being an on line sex seller. At this point, I was completely motivated by the thought of making extra bank.
He didn’t know what to say….
This poor man. I’m probably going to struggle to summarise his facial expression in that moment when I started that conversation. I honestly think he must have thought to himself “this looks like my wife, but she’s clearly been abducted by aliens, as she would never even think like this”.
He was astounded that I’d even looked at this platform, let alone that I was considering adding myself to it. The conversations over the next few days were certainly very different to our usual mundane, regular life chats.
You see, our relationship was probably like yours is now (dead bedroom ish if that’s you). We had sex about once a month if that, maybe the odd hand job here and there, but there was no balance. I think we both wanted things to be different, but we both felt very stuck. I knew it wasn’t right, and so did he, but we kinda slipped into just accepting that that was how we were now.
We had talked about why we were in this dead bedroom situation. These conversations were difficult, and often ended in me crying, and feeling terribly guilty. Of course, I wanted to change and be this sexually adventurous creature that wanted to bonk every day and suck dick. But, in reality, I was so stuck in my post abusive trauma, I couldn’t move past duty sex.
Put it this way, there was a box of condoms in his bed side table, that was half used, and had passed its use by date. That should tell you everything you need to know about where we were sexually.
But that was about change……
At the start of the pandemic, and over the course of the next few years I went from a dead bedroom, into a person in a situation that could say to their husband, “I’m horny, let’s put something in my butt and fuck”.
So right now, you’re thinking I’m a sex seller, right? well, I actually didn’t do that in the end. But, to test the waters and understand some more about the on line world of selling sex, my husband suggested I have a look at another social media platform.
This platform is a well known social media site. But of course, silly me hadn’t ever heard of it. Good lord I was so incredibly naive about the world back then. Anyway, the topics on this site were very sexually diverse, and the level of interaction from its users was just incredible. People had an opinion on just about everything, sexual or otherwise.
If you could think of a thing you wanted to learn about or find out about, I can almost guarantee you that this platform had some some subject matter about it, including the wittiest retorts and comments in huge threads, like I’d never seen. It seemed like a place you could be free to show anything and say anything you wanted, under the beautiful vale of anonymity.
I was like a kid in a sex sweet shop.
This platform was full of people talking about sex, and toys, and butt holes, and boobs and willys. There was a constant flow of new posts and new information on every imaginable subject.
So, I went down the sexy rabbit hole to see how deep it went.
This social medial platform was also a place where people could post something in a particular subject area, for example “big boobed women” and you’d find a whole lot of content and pictures of people just showing off and being free. So in essence, you had a viewer that was always going to be interested in what they were perusing.
So, with a bit of encouragement from my husband, and some lessons on how to be safe on line and protect my identity, I decided to post a picture of my left boob onto a relevant space on this platform.
The response I received was overwhelming. People liked my left boob, a lot, and people wanted to talk to me, and by talk to me, I mean talk dirty to me. They wanted to see more of me too.
That was the beginning of the transformation. For the first time in forever, I felt wanted based on how I looked. What followed that moment was entry into a whole new world of showing off my body, talking to people, and actually building on line connections with strangers who seemed to like me for my body, and so much more 🙂
I also discovered, that I quite liked taking pictures of myself, and sharing images of my body with others. I was beginning to open my mind to all sorts of things, including exploration of my exhibitionist side.
Meet Mr OozySpot
Through posting and sharing images of myself, I also entered into the world of on line chat partners.
This was a whole new world for me. On this platform, there was a “Chat” function. Although, I didn’t pursue one person directly. Most of the time, the people commenting in my left boob eventually started a private chat with me. It was mostly positive, police and decent, to start with, until it got steamy and sexy and I learnt how to talk dirty.
The thrill of talking to people was amazing. I was hooked and completely addicted to the feelings that it gave me.
There was no comparing this type of chat to something you would experience standing at the bus stop waiting for the number 10 to arrive. No. This was someone, on the end of the cyber space line, talking to you, paying attention to your every word, making you feel things you didn’t think were possible via an on line connection. Someone that could make your panties damp and find ways to get into your head.
This person, who ever they were, was unleashing a new person in me. Someone who was interested in sex with my husband. Someone who wanted to be seen. Someone who wanted to show off their body.
The effect on my marriage was profound. We were having daily sex for the first time in a decade. Why? because I was horny all of the gods dam time. All thanks to Mr OozySpot (his user name). It’s like he switched on a sexual flood light in my head, and it was beaming out for all to see. For the first time since the narcissistic prick messed me up, I wanted to be seen. I felt sexy, and sexual, and I really wanted to fuck.
My husband knew…
To be clear, I went on this journey with my husbands knowledge and full support. Which may be a bit of a mind fuck for you right now, as you’re probably feeling pretty isolated and alone in your situation. But honestly, this conversation with him (husband), the one about the sex website, was the catalyst for change for us.
That one conversation started a revolution of change in our lives, powered in part by the covid pandemic and a change of pace. I’m mindful that that was a pretty unique time, and with any luck, never to be repeated again in our lifetimes. But, it demonstrated that with a bit of time, patience and lots of conversations, change is possible, even in what seems like an impossibly sexually numb bedroom situation.
I’m proof of that, and you have to believe that change is possible, and things can improve. If you’re not open minded to change, then nothing will change. You have to want it, and you have to be patient. This isn’t going to be an overnight change, you are going to have to dig deep and look at yourself and your life and see what you can change so that you find capacity for sex and all things intimate.
To be clear, I’m not advocating the choices I made and the route I took to sexual freedom and expression. I’m sure there was a different route I could have taken, and a professional therapist would probably tell you to go on a very different journey to mine. But all I can do is tell you about the things that worked for me and our relationship. This blog is just my journey and my musings, and nothing more. Please bear in mind that your journey will be different, or it may be similar. Either way, you have to do what’s right and safe for you, and that’s so important. You can be safe, and sensible, and still find your sexy brain. It’s in there some place, I guarantee it.
I want you to imagine that you’re reading this like a TV show script. Its entertaining, and funny and you can imagine some of scenes and scenarios I describe playing out on your TV screen. Thats how it feels when I’m writing it. It’s a look into my life and how I got here. It shouldn’t be taken too seriously, it should be a fun read for the most part, with a sprinkling of serious here and there.
I do know this, and it’s that you have to find the will to change, and keep working at it every day. Theres no secret remedy, but there are some things that you could be doing differently. I hope that this blog is helpful in helping you start to think differently about what you can change, and how you can turn things around if you want to. Its a journey, and I hope that you find your way down the yellow brick road to sexy town. Its worth the effort, believe me 🙂
There is more to read, and more to think about. Please have fun watching my TV script unfold in front of you, and please laugh with me at some of the ridiculous situations I’ve found myself in. Hopefully, some if it is useful, and if it it’s not, perhaps it gave you a laugh and cheered you up in your sexual solitude.
I feel like I’ve won if this blog even gets you into thinking about things, and how you could do things differently. Thats how change starts, and we’re all capable of that. Happy reading 🙂
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